A "Fair"ly Delicious Adventure
Each year there is an event so “Big” that comes to Fresno that it’s hard to miss. Like a tumble weed, it rolls out as fast as it rolls in. I’m speaking of the Big Fresno Fair, an 11 day all you can eat hodgepodge of pure unadulterated culinary ridiculousness. Last year Greg and I had a hell of a time at the horse track, but this year it was all about the food. We decided very early on that this visit to the fair would be a bowel moving experience, and boy was it.
Things started off swimmingly; as Greg and I entered the wonderland we quickly realized today was a special promotional day: SENIOR CITIZENS DAY! Had we brought a wheelchair we both would have gotten in for free, because along with seniors the disabled were let into the oasis for free as well. It was like a trip to Wal-Mart/Kaiser hospital, wheelchairs as far as the eye could see, and if at any time you were in dire need of oxygen you were taken care of as well. I’ve never had to walk so slow in my entire life, it was like a scene straight out of a zombie flick, staggering slow walkers (with walkers) everywhere. This proved bad for us because we were about to embark on a journey which required high impact calisthenics... if we were to survive.
When visiting the fair make sure everything you eat either comes out of a machine or is deep-fried. We recommend Chicken Charlie’s a haven of good eats. Our first meal consisted of deep-fried frog legs, chicken Kabob (not deep-fried) and The Fair’s newest addition to the deep-fried hall of fame, deep-fried Kool-Aid. The Kool-Aid was very reminiscent to another local deep-fried favorite, pancake puppies, which can only be found at the greatest late night chain establishment ever devised…Denny’s. If you’ve never had frog legs jump on that train because it was crazy awesome, a fish chicken mash-up that I surely will never pass up again. Surprisingly enough, the chicken kabob was the best and most healthy thing I had all day long, it was tender, juicy and everything a chicken kabob should be. Chicken Charlie’s "totally fried" food is Dead in 60 approved, because if you don’t die of natural causes in 60 years, eating their food will make sure you do.
After getting our fill there was only one more thing to do, keep moving and keep eating, so it was on to taco town. We visited “The Original Soft Taco” stand which if you have ever been to the fair you know about. This little stand has been slinging tacos for more than 60 years, and at an unmentionable price it’s hard to imagine that they are still in business. But today price was not a factor, so we paid up and grubbed down. Soft, soggy, greasy, tasty and almost impossible to consume without eating the paper wrapper it was served in, but to say the least a must-have when visiting the fair.
Bursting at the seams we somehow managed to continue our journey into the deep-fried abyss. It was on to garlic fries and a plain old jumbo hotdog. Garlic fries are amazing; as if French fries aren’t awesome enough garlic just makes them that much better. Greg mentioned that his hotdog was good and he ate it with much delight, I find it hard to imagine that anyone could screw up a hotdog. After we gorged ourselves once again we somehow found the energy to keep moving. Feeling the end was near we wanted something cold and delicious that resembled a desert. For some reason soft serve sounded very refreshing, and as we suspected it was.
Then somehow, as if the god of phallic foods descended on Greg’s stomach and made room, that little ginger man managed to eat a foot long corn dog. Even I, a long lost cousin of the legendary Kobayashi, couldn’t have managed another dick shaped, deep fried, delectable dish. Yet somehow, he went down on that deep-fried dough dog like a backstage groupie at a Mötley Crüe concert. He said it was delicious and I know from experience that of course it was. A fair corn dog is ALWAYS the best corn dog.
We walked and wandered the fair for what seemed like hours. We pretty much saw and did everything you can do at the fair, other than ride the Gravatron; a ride sure to make you vomit after eating as much “food” as we did. The Fair is one of the yearly events that bring out everyone and everything; there is great music, exhibits, and a diversity not only in people but in activities. So take your kids, your wife, girlfriend, mother, disabled grandpa, or just go by yourself and have a great time. Eat, drink and kill a little part of your aortas at the Big Fresno Fair.