Fresno Reacts to Tragic Loss in Arizona
The city of Fresno mourns the loss in Arizona tonight as a candle light vigil is being held close to the old McDonalds on Blackstone and Shields.
“I can’t believe the last McRib is gone” a visually distraught Amanda Pinkins sobbed, struggling to find words.
Earlier in the month it was discovered that the last remaining shipment of the coagulated pork product known as the McRib was bought and secured by a small McDonalds franchise in Tucson Arizona Instantly Tucson became a beacon of hope for this McRib starved city.
“I knew that I couldn’t have one” exclaimed Jeremiah Wert of Madera. “but the only thing that brought a sense of peace in my life was knowing that the McRib was out there under the Sun somewhere in the Arizona desert. Now that it is gone I feel… hopeless.“
McDonalds started selling a limited supply of the McRib this fall until they stopped being distributed around Christmas. We obviously remember the rib riots that took place on Ashlan and West around the New Year. Also the arrest of a naked man sobbing in an elementary school lunch line, vying for a rib-a-que on a bun and mumbled distressingly, “it’s just not the same."
Tonight’s show of solidarity for the worlds most beloved pork sandwich was far more somber.
One man draped in an American flag, a Clovis man who wanted his name to stay anonymous trembled “When I wanted to stick it to the Muslims I ate a McRib and I would drive around and see them turbaned Muslims and make sure they knew this was Pork Freedom Country and they would never get to taste what I am tasting and that made me feel good, when I try the same thing with the Baconator, it just isn’t the same.
President Obama flew to Arizona today to give his condolences to the last bastion of McRib. He was seen walking out of the McDonald’s and kicking the ground, giving a sober soliloquy that let every one know he was truly a man of the people, his lips can be seen angrily making out the word “shit”
While the President was there he also spoke for victims of some kind of shooting rampage that happened in the same parking lot. Although that incident was lost in the shadow of the McRib, investigators are still piecing together the shooting, trying to discover if it was in fact, rib related.
Back in Fresno our thoughts were with the people of Tuscon
Some women held up a sign on Blackstone that read “Tonight we are all Arizonans.” Judging by the reaction by the cars driving by, tonight we are one and our thoughts, prayers, and hopes are in the Southwest under the Tucson moon.